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when i think my life has no meaning, it has the most. a week ago i was sitting on a bench in front of the movie theater. the bench was in a small nook facing away from the street, protecting me from the outside world. a parade was about to start and i could hear random band instruments and drunk senior citizens. before that day, i've never been able to recognize the calm before a storm. any tragedy in my life has totally side swiped me before this, but in that moment i was glad to be surrounded by strangers and comforted by the hidden bench.

i've been very weary lately towards the people that mean the most to me. i knew something wasn't right. my days were spent making small talk, babysitting the drunk, paranoia, and staring blankly into space. the feeling i got on that bench was more than i could handle. so the next day i demanded answers, and an hour of demanding brought me a years worth of answers.

my life feels like the opposite of childhood, but with the same symptoms. my brain is constantly ticking, i ask a lot of questions, i never want to go to sleep, and i want to jump out of bed as soon as i wake up and be busy. then the opposite part comes in to play: kids are happy, i am not. i ask questions i thought i knew the answers to, and i only want to be busy so that i am distracted while avoiding making any important decisions.

i am an adult and i know people are untrustworthy. specifically, you. i haven't lost hope in all mankind or anything, just the individuals i get mind fucked into thinking are my soul mates.