mulletratio.com

so i've been distracting myself lately with my real world casting profile, trying to get everyone and anyone to vote for me. it's been fun and hopeful. i know my chances are low, but it's fun to try. too bad i'm not desperate enough to post girl on girl make out sessions unlike my competitors with thousands of votes.

when i think my life has no meaning, it has the most. a week ago i was sitting on a bench in front of the movie theater. the bench was in a small nook facing away from the street, protecting me from the outside world. a parade was about to start and i could hear random band instruments and drunk senior citizens. before that day, i've never been able to recognize the calm before a storm. any tragedy in my life has totally side swiped me before this, but in that moment i was glad to be surrounded by strangers and comforted by the hidden bench.

i've been very weary lately towards the people that mean the most to me. i knew something wasn't right. my days were spent making small talk, babysitting the drunk, paranoia, and staring blankly into space. the feeling i got on that bench was more than i could handle. so the next day i demanded answers, and an hour of demanding brought me a years worth of answers.

my life feels like the opposite of childhood, but with the same symptoms. my brain is constantly ticking, i ask a lot of questions, i never want to go to sleep, and i want to jump out of bed as soon as i wake up and be busy. then the opposite part comes in to play: kids are happy, i am not. i ask questions i thought i knew the answers to, and i only want to be busy so that i am distracted while avoiding making any important decisions.

i am an adult and i know people are untrustworthy. specifically, you. i haven't lost hope in all mankind or anything, just the individuals i get mind fucked into thinking are my soul mates.

when it comes to love, you really can't count on anyone. love is blind. lovers are liars. and happiness is not found in the first 48 hours. it's just another cold case.

love - (lŭv)

–noun
1. something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality.
2. the state or condition of being deceived; misapprehension.
3. an instance of being deceived.

—synonyms: illusion, blind, wtf, thanks

i'm sitting at home on a saturday night. i supposed to be either a) working, b) at a family dinner, or c) socializing in some way. i've gone with d) none of the above.

i got someone to work my shift for me so i could go to the family dinner. that shoots b and c with one stone, but instead i fail and do nothing. i'm thinking about napping.

my family is weird. growing up i was the uninformed middle child. i would walk around whining "nobody tells me anything" to the tone of "marcia marcia marcia." i went out of my way to get out of work today. when i woke up at 3pm (because it's saturday, who cares?) my mom sent me a text message saying that the dinner "stars at 3." after i got past the typo, which is exactly what my honduran mother sounds like when she speaks, i got angry. even if i went, i wouldn't have made it until like 4 hours later because i had to bring melissa to work 45 minutes away. i'm thinking that the dinner is completely over now, since i never heard from anybody actually at the dinner. so here i am, clueless about what is going on. i could always call, but why? when i have this broken english text message that brings a whole new meaning to the words minority report.

the concert was amazing. i screamed a little. i would have stood throughout the whole concert but the seated area was no joke. people were throwing cups to get everyone to sit down, and that was not something i felt like dealing with. the venue was small, so no matter where you were, you had an amazing view.

and as you can see/hear, i've fallen back into my tegan and sara black hole. along with a little girl in a coma and city and colour, who opened for them.